10 Rules to Remember Before Stepping on the Scale

Nicole Lassen

1.     Do not question the scale

1.1.  Do not think about the reasons for which we have scales, or measurements, or identifications of worth

1.2.  Just know that this scale works

1.3.  It is never wrong

1.4.  You will adhere to the following rules with pleasure

1.5.  Just as those have before you

1.6.  Just as those who will follow you

1.7.  Because this mode of measurement is effective

1.8.  It will not change

 

2.     You must step on the scale every day to retrieve your number

2.1.     More than once a day

2.1.1.     The more the better

2.2.     Even though it is recommended that you should restrict scale use to once a week, you will do it every day

2.2.1.     It may even be recommended that you should not retrieve your number at all—that you should concentrate on well being, energy, fitness, and good spirits

2.2.1.1.     You will not listen to this

2.3.     You must have your number revealed to you

2.3.1.     Because you must

2.4.     And you must live by this number every day, or hour, depending on your scale usage

 

3.     You will always remember that your number is a measurement of your self-worth

3.1.     If you do not meet the expected number, you must not eat or drink until you meet the perfect number

3.1.1.     You must not smell food

3.1.1.1.     The inhalations of these calories will affect your number

3.1.2.     You must not even look at food

3.1.2.1.     The imagining of consuming food will affect your number

3.1.3.     It is inspiring to know that if you stop now, how long you can go without food or drink

3.1.3.1.     The rest of your life

3.1.3.2.     Do you understand this yet

3.1.3.2.1.     Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

3.2.     If you want people to respect you, and your life, you will stick to the guidelines set here

3.2.1.     Because everybody cares about your number, and they will respect and honor you when your number decreases

3.2.2.     You must also give updates to people on your number, so they know how much to respect and honor you

3.3.     This number tells you who you are

3.4.     This number reveals your identity

3.5.     You must face the number that tells you who you are and what you are worth

3.5.1.     The lower the number, the more you are worth

3.5.1.1.     It’s true

 

4.     Rules for Scenarios

4.1.     If a person you would like to date tells you he would only date you if you lost some numbers, let that motivate you to lose numbers—he is not an asshole, he is honest—and you admire honesty, in whatever form

4.2.     If your mother bribes you with a boob job (or a booty job) (or any kind of curve enhancing job) (or any kind of job) (or really any kind of bribe at all)—only if you lose some numbers—(because the only place you don’t gain numbers is in the chest or ass, or perhaps once you lose numbers, it will unavoidably shrink the progress you’ve made in cup or ass size) take that chance—she is not insensitive, she just knows what men and women like, and at her age, she was half your size, so it’s understandable if she is sad for you (or embarrassed of you) that you don’t look as good as she did at her age; you should be sympathizing with her (it’s really quite selfish of you to take it so personally) because she is only looking out for what is best for you; she wants you to be healthy—or married—whichever comes first

4.3.     If you compete in food competitions as a young child with your brother to see who can eat the most food the fastest; know that it will have an effect on how fast you unknowingly eat mass quantities of food as an adult; and you must therefore live with not eating anymore, since you have already consumed your allotted allowance

4.4.     If your best friend in second grade starts you on a diet and exercise plan, take her advice—she, after all, must know what she is doing, she is five numbers less than you

4.5.     Surround yourself only with people who have lower numbers than you, this will keep your self-esteem low enough to motivate you to have a lower number—once your number is lower than your friends’ numbers, find new friends and repeat

 

5.     You will not be happy until you reach the perfect number

5.1.     Don’t let anyone talk you out of it

5.2.     It is not what’s on the inside that counts

5.2.1.     There is no inner beauty

5.2.2.     People do not have

5.2.2.1.     Character

5.2.2.2.     Or personality

5.2.2.3.     Or charm

5.2.2.4.     Or intelligence

5.2.2.5.     Or wit

5.2.2.6.     Or humor

5.2.2.7.     Or kindness

5.2.2.8.     Or generosity

5.2.2.9.     Or anything

5.3.     People only have the perfect number

 

6.     Step on the scale

6.1.     Naked

6.1.1.     Always naked

6.1.2.     Because you need an accurate measurement

6.1.2.1.     If you do not have an accurate measurement, your number will not be valid

6.1.2.1.1.     Clothes, and jewelry, and hair hinder your true number

6.1.2.1.1.1.     It’s best to retrieve one's number hairless—I recommend waxing, as it removes the hair follicle in its entirety

6.1.2.1.1.2.     Every little bit counts

6.1.2.1.2.     I also recommend using the bathroom before retrieving ones number

6.1.2.1.2.1.     The above rule only applies to those rule breakers who eat

6.1.2.1.2.1.1.     Remember that you need an accurate measurement to refer back to the next time you get your number

6.1.2.1.2.1.2.     An accurate measurement is needed to plan your day accordingly

 

7.     Have your scale placed in front of a mirror

7.1.     A front mirror and a back mirror and a magnified mirror

7.1.1.     This is to examine all flaws

7.1.2.     This will motivate you

7.2.     Remember the following when looking in the mirror

7.2.1.     No matter what you may believe the popular consensus is—curves are not sexy

7.2.1.1.     Ever

7.2.2.     Look at yourself, if you possess any curve, dimple, role, pudge, or any layer other than bone and skin—see rule 3.1

7.2.2.1.     You should only see the white of your bones pressing against your skin—because that is all you are

7.2.2.2.     You should only focus on imperfection

7.2.3.     People care what your body looks like

7.2.4.     People imagine you naked, and if they don’t, you want them to

7.2.5.     You want to be desirable

7.2.5.1.     Your life depends on it

7.3.  You must face your appearance as you face your number

7.3.1.     You must look at your body as your lover would

7.3.1.1.     If your lover is not satisfied with your appearance, your lover will not love you

7.3.1.1.1.     Or fuck you

7.3.1.1.2.     Or sleep with you

7.3.1.1.3.     Or be near you

7.3.1.2.     If your lover is not satisfied with your appearance, your lover will find a better lover

7.3.1.3.     If your lover is not satisfied with your appearance, chances are your next lover will also be unsatisfied

 

8.     Always sympathize or empathize with people who have trouble gaining numbers

8.1.     They have it harder than you realize

8.1.1.     Really

 

9.     Don’t blame your underachieving number on your disease, or your pregnancy, or your bone density

9.1.  People don’t care about your excuses

9.2.     People don’t care about your hypothyroidism

9.2.1.     Hypothyroidism is an endocrine disease which has an effect on the hormones produced by your thyroid; among the side effects of this disease are infertility, decreased metabolism, and weight gain (unintentional)

9.2.1.1.     Note the unintentional weight gain; subsequently, if you mention your trouble with weight gain to your endocrinologist, he will look at your swollen body, he will notice that your jeans are too tight, he will look at your mother who is also overweight and assume poor lifestyle choices and tell you to eat less and exercise more

9.2.1.1.1.     He will also give you a pamphlet on infertility when you are 15

9.2.1.1.1.1.     When you are pregnant at 20, you will stop going to this endocrinologist

9.3.     Despite what people tell you, (even after your number increases by 73 in the first trimester of pregnancy) you are not eating for two

9.4.     People don’t care about your big bones

9.4.1.     Or if your big bones become brittle bones

9.5.     People don’t care about your genetics

9.6.     People don’t care if you are sick and or tired

9.7.     People don’t care if your hair is falling out, even if by the handfuls

9.8.     People don’t care if you can’t walk around, or stand up, or speak because you will pass out

9.9.     People don’t care if you are healthy

9.10.   People don’t care

9.10.1.     They only care about your number

 

10.     If your scale is broken (like mine—which teeters between the 1 and 2) just remember this— your number is not good enough

10.1.     And it never will be.